• George: How do I get something out of ‘Print Pending’?
• Me: Select it and delete it.
• George: But I want it to print.
• Me: And you’re connected to the printer?
• George: Yeah.
• Me: Hmmm, let me see.
• I walk over to the bedroom, where we keep the printer.
• Me: Let me see the computer.
• George: (Hands over laptop)
• Me: The printer USB cable is plugged in to the ethernet port.
• George: No wonder it wasn’t printing. Can you imagine what I’ll be like when I get old? “Hey kids, how do you work this tape recorder thing?”
• Me: Tape recorder? You’re kidding me, right?

I woke this morning frantic from a dream.

I’d been in Italy for 14 days. Fourteen! And I had been ignoring my dressmaker. She called, angry because my wedding dress was finished three months earlier and I hadn’t yet come in to try it on. And here I was, in the same city as my dress for 2 weeks and I’d been ignoring it!

Attempting to placate her over the phone, I pulled out a paper map that instantly sprung into a 3-dimensional topographic map of the city. Realizing she lived on the highest hill, I sighed and looked out onto a courtyard draped it mist that could only be described as English. It was a gloomy morning that glowed grayly as the sun shown through fog.

I was wearing a dress that Jane Austen would have adored.

Also, I was a spy. Which is why I hadn’t told my dressmaker what I’d been up to. That she knew I was in the country only hinted at the degree to which I’d screwed up the operation from the night before. As the dream faded further and further from memory, all I can say is that it involved an enormous stairway and an even more gigantic fishbowl and a terrorizing combination of the two.

And people in ballgowns and tuxes with tails and monocles, just like Mr. Monopoly’s.

It was nice to wake up.

• Carolyn: Well, I guess it is time to change my Facebook status
• Me: To what?
• Carolyn: To engaged, silly
• Me: Oh, yeah. That would be good.
• Me: George isn’t on FB, so it looks like I’m just avoiding the dating scene.

• Sarah: I’ve found the best blog EVER Stuff White People Life
• Me: yep. it is hilarious
• Sarah: And so true. I LIKE ALL OF THESE THINGS.

• Felt sort of awesome about myself because I showered in the morning rather than at 3pm. I work at home, so it is completely excusable if I don’t shower until I actually go out into public.
• Eaten microwavable mini hamburgers and sort of liked them.
• Started brushing my teeth only to be grossed out by my toothbrush already being wet and mentally blame my partner for my wet toothbrush only to realize 10 seconds later that I’ve already brushed my teeth. Okay, so there’s no excuse for that one.
• Used room spray as perfume. It was all natural stuff from Trader Joe’s and the ingredients were simply chamomile, bergamot, essential oils and water. It smelled so good, how could I not try it?
• Got ready to go outside and be ‘dressed-up’ by putting on jeans. Can I use the work-at-home excuse again? Good, I am using it.

This afternoon I read about how hispanics in the Rio Grande Valley saw Hillary vs. Barrack and I couldn’t help but think ‘That woman’s livingroom looks exactly like my grandma’s.’ In fact, I’d go so far as to say that there is a definitive style of hispanic-woman-in-the-United-States-livingroom. And it involves tchotchkes. And lots of florals. And chintz. And enormous cabinets full of commemorative plates.

And a painting of The Last Supper. You know, just to top things off.

But this list isn’t about your grandma’s decor. This list is about the things that I consider essential in knowledge and/or belongings if you’re going to be a Mexican-American woman in the United States.

• Tortilla Warmer Optional depending on your rate of tortilla consumption. As a childless couple we don’t own one, but the minute we have kids old enough to eat their own chilequiles with a tortilla, I’ll head over to Wal-Mart and pick up one.
• Religious Candles They look cool, have a function (light, not prayers) and really, what’s so wrong about banishing the evil eye?
• Your own migas recipe It pains me to admit that my blanquito doesn’t like comino all that much. It means that my version of migas doesn’t suit him. And that’s just something he’ll have to live with. For the rest of this life.
• Your Abuela’s phone number Just because you have 30 cousins doesn’t mean that you can skip calls on major holidays, her birthday and events like engagements and baby steps.
• The ability to swear in Spanish Even if your Spanish (like mine) is awful, you need to be able to let loose with some terrific cursing. This is important in cases like Thanksgiving where you will be surrounded by 27 primos and all of their kids and you’re finally sitting at the adults table. When you’re 32.
• A sense of your own sexiness Be self-confident and in control of yourself and understand that it isn’t being hispanic or female that makes you sexy. it is simply you enjoying yourself.
• Folk Art Get in touch with your roots and show your pride with some folk art. No, it doesn’t have to be a skeleton in full mariachi gear. It could be a Velasquez interpretation if you really want to go continental. De-IKEAfy your home and show some pride with art.

• Me: You know what's great? Someday when we have a family we'll get a tortilla warmer.
• George: What is that? Some sort of gagdet for keeping tortillas hot?
• Me: No, it isn't a gadget. It is a little box for tortillas.
• George: Oh, okay.
• Both of us: (eating)
• George: You know, even if it was a gadget you'd want to get it.
• Me: Yeah, if it had cool parts.